You may know that your boyfriend isnt doing anything with his ex. Remember, too, that just because you feel insecure or upset about something doesnt mean you have to ask someone else to change their behavior. WebMy (25F) bf (30M) is best friends with his ex. If you find out that your partner met up with their ex secretly even just for coffee it should set off warning bells. Youll know this to be the case when they ask about you, invite you to get-togethers, and encourage your relationship. Therapist and author of Temptations of the Single Girl, Nina Atwood, said it is not necessarily wrong to stay friends with an ex, but she advises that it can be challenging, and can leave you in a tough spot emotionally. I hate that they are best friends. I hate that they hang out one-on-one! You do not need to act on every single emotion or negative feeling you have, but that doesnt mean you need to bury them either. If his interactions with his ex have been benign up until this point? by As Wang says, It's good to remind yourself that your partner chooses to be with you today and tomorrow., Jonathan Bennett, certified counselor and dating expert, Sharon Gilchrest ONeill, EdS, LMFT, licensed marriage and family therapist, Dr. Dana Wang, licensed psychiatrist and relationship expert, Davida Rappaport, relationship expert and spiritual counselor, Joshua Klapow, Ph.D., clinical psychologist, Edie Weinstein, MSW, LSW, psychotherapist, Dr. Racine Henry, Ph.D., LMFT, licensed marriage and family therapist, This article was originally published on Aug. 16, 2018, This Is The Best Day To Be On Dating Apps In The New Year, 12 Creative Double Date Ideas To Try With Your Fave Couples, How To Manage New Relationship Energy In A Polyamorous Relationship, Why It's Totally OK To Have Sex For The First Time As An Adult, Get Even More From Bustle Sign Up For The Newsletter, By subscribing to this BDG newsletter, you agree to our. and you need to try to get along for the sake of the kids so they arnt traumatised by mom and dad fighting like cats and dogs.now does it.stick that in your science pipe and smoke it. If you buy through links on this page, we may earn a small commission. Let him have a life separate from you even if it somehow involves interacting with his ex. 2) Youll make him feel trapped because hes dating someone who reads his text messages. reader, HeatherMcLovin+, writes (18 September 2008): A If your BF is the introspective kind of guy who wants to know more about himself, hell definitely want to know the opinions of someone who has been an important part of his life for a whileand one of them is his ex. He cant just cut someone off when they have friends in common, even if theyve decided not to continue being friends after the breakup. I personally know some people who would keep spending time with each other over shared interests, even if they have partners. reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2006): A Is it bad if your boyfriend is dating your ex? All of this information makes me feel very uncomfortable! Paul Brian Ever. Its important to communicate openly and honestly in any female Besides, you know the power of the friend zone it's real, and usually pretty final. Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? If you and your ex want to remain, friends, does that mean youll continue your Thursday night pizza ritual, meet up for coffee twice a week, or just say hi when you happen to run into each other? All relationships are different, as are the people in them, so if you want to try to remain friends with an ex, I wish you the best of luck. Some restrictions are fine, of course. We had fights (big word maybe discussion) about his 3 times already. He was kidding (I hope), but I got the point: They had formed a real friendship, too. I was in community college. But if they went to college together, have a whole history, and hope to one day go back to being pals, that makes a bit more sense. Even if they did have hard feelings, Bennett says it shows a lot of maturity that theyre able to look past them in order to co-parent. My boyfriend was also sick (with food poisoning) but he avoided me physically. As long as he's being completely transparent and tells you everything where she's involved, is a good start. The main problem is that he is best-friends with his ex-girlfriend. It might make you feel a little jealous and protective, but so long as he isnt actually trying to cheat on you with her, theres no reason for you to be afraid. Do you have good examples of people who talk to exes? I care about him very much and we get along very well. As long as everyone's OK with it, this type of friendship shouldnt be a big deal. I also feel guilty because he has told me he feels guilty whenever he messages her or hangs out with her and he has to mentally prepare himself to tell me he's going to hang out with her. I didn't say anything because I don't think I can change his mind. And perhaps he knows just how to reassure her or even help her get through her issues. They might simply be best friends, and she might even have a boyfriend of her own and yet you cant help but feel jealous. December 28, 2022, 8:49 am, by A (This is one of those times when I wish English had a different word for the plural you). In fact, its actually quite common for people to keep being friends with their exes, especially as they get older. And who knows? Or do they get upset, annoyed, jealous, or weirdly protective? Many men are dominant until their women break them down over long periods of time. If he actually gave your feelings a second thought, it would be easy to see how being close with an ex would make most people uncomfortable. I think thats a very reasonable request. One of the hardest jobs as a human is trying to comprehend that other people think and act differently than we do. So how do you separate my kind of story from one that has a much less happy ending (for you)? Is it okay to have a guy friend when you have a boyfriend. New comments cannot be posted and votes cannot be cast. Is it inappropriate for him to have hung on to an ex like this? You dont want to force him to cut off his friends just to be with you. You can get in touch with one such mutual friend and ask him/her to. Is your boyfriend allowed to be friends with his ex? I apologized and we made up, but to this day I still don't think it's okay he did that. That bothers me because I like to think of myself as someone whos not possessive or jealous, but heres whats really getting to me, even if I logically know better Youre more than allowed to process (or just complain about) situations that suck for you. Cause if you just eliminate the prefix ex from the equation they are just friends (best friends, in fact) and friends should always welcome love with open arms. January 4, 2023, 9:03 am, by Everyone is entitled to their own emotions. Trust is the foundation of any relationship, Emily, Top 10 Traits Men In Their 40s Want In A Woman, What To Do With An Emotionally Unavailable Man, When a Guy Doesnt Want to Sleep With You. When it comes to figuring out how to handle situations like these, it pays to listen to those who have seen it before. You do not want to completely ruin what you had just because a romantic relationship didnt work out. Your boyfriend has taken all of the appropriate actions to get his ex out of his life. If so, then maybe you should roll out. You arent being a pathetic loser or a monster for feeling this way. And chances are that he will have no issues with you should you decide to start talking to YOUR exes as well. By subscribing to this BDG newsletter, you agree to our. If anything, it means that he has a big heart and doesnt have any malicious intentions when hes talking with his ex. Early in our relationship, he did many favors for her and is always there for her. breakupdatingdating adviceFriendsloverelationship advicerelationships. OK, fine, but I truly hate that they hang out so much. View related questions: At the very least you should be concerned about how she wants to make you jealous. Need help with your relationship? They have been friends since the 7th grade, but have been intimate for many yearsoff and on. But it can also be because hes looking for affection and validation. Well, I wrote a note saying Im sorry I invaded your privacy. Are you hoping youll get back together? And thats why its a good idea to talk to an experienced relationship coach. He is with you. Dont even think about dating until you read this report to help you understand and connect with men in the future. Shes had us over for dinner multiple times. there isn't much i can tell you besides to try your best to understand that they are just close friends. One who has helped a lot of people over many similar issues. Dont be threatened. I communicated that I feel uncomfortable with this dynamic as it is unusual. 3) The ex is going through something. WebMy boyfriend is best friend with his ex. reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2010): A Resist the temptation. I want to know where you stand on the whole staying friends with your ex thing. It bothered me relentlessly until I finally exhausted myself like a dog chasing its tail and let it go. Me (19F) and my boyfriend (23M) have been together for 1 year and 4 months. You have the upper hand. Create an account to follow your favorite communities and start taking part in conversations. reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2007): A He came up soon after and we talked. I told him I didnt think it was appropriate. DO YOU WANT TO FIX YOUR BROKEN MAN-PICKER? Turning romance into bromance takes time; all the feelingsofromance and resentment need to heal and go away, and that just takes a while. While it may not feel good to have your boyfriend keep his distance when you had a horrible cold, you have to admit, its pretty practical, isnt it? In the beginning I immediately didn't like the idea of it, but I tried to be friends with her anyway because I wasn't sure how their dynamic was and if I should be worried at all. But unless you have hard evidence, give him the benefit of the doubt. They talk on the phone 2-3 times a week, meet up for Most important of all is that you try to be transparent with your feelings and communicate with him properly about this so you can find a good compromise. And that isnt healthy for anyone. Paul Brian Right. The time to worry is when they feel strongly that you can't just be friends with an ex because that could be a case of good ol' projection. reader, dscjocdoc+, writes (6 June 2010): A I do, however, think you have a lot more to gain than lose by trying to accept this friendship. He said hes not attracted to her and so on, but I just dont like the idea of him hanging out with her, what if he invites her over for dinner, etc? If your boyfriend is friends with his ex on Facebook, and youre not okay with it, talk to him about it. He just likes rock climbing and probably still has a strong foundation of friendship with his ex. How Do You Feel About Their Ex? They dated for a year (broke up 3 years ago) and continued being close friends. Then go to your boyfriend and talk to him with excruciating honesty about how youve been feeling and what you think would help. For better or worse, your partner's friends are going to be your friends, or friendly acquaintances anyway. This, as with most things in a relationship, is a group project. Whether your relationship ended by mutual agreement or feelings on your end that you see your significant other as more of a friend than a lover, the Id like us to still be friends conversation often comes into play. But now that youre aware of it, you should definitely work on fixing the issues on your end. If they refuse to engage with you or shut you out of their life, it could be a sign that there's something wrong with the friendship you have with your spouse. The most relevant am i over my ex boyfriend pages are listed below: Table of contents I was blown away by how kind, empathetic, and genuinely helpful my coach was. Ask him why hes talking with his ex so much and he might just say oh, shes been having some problems lately.. Look, you dont need to work toward being in love with the fact that hes friends with his ex. As their partner, feel free to encourage them to fully cut ties with their toxic ex so they can clearly see whats going on. They should want you to feel good! When I first met her, he came up to her and hugged and spun her and he seemed incredibly happy to see her. Its easy for a kind person (like your partner) to be blind to this type of manipulation, so let them know why youre concerned. He's not. You can even be his wife and still not be entitled to violate his privacy. And theres nothing weird about this at all. Is it okay to flirt with other people in a relationship? But it's really common. He has yet to disclose this to me personally. The only things you know about his past are the things he told youand thats not enough for him to know more about himself. He is still friends with his ex who he considers one of this best friends. For this reason, it's hard to sever the person from our lives forever just because, romantically, it didn't work out.. 3) Youll Instead of calling their ex, your partner should be addressing negative feelings with you. I should also add that she and my boyfriend make a lot of funny faces to each other and there's a certain intimacy that I feel very uncomfortable with. You need to feel their reassurance and you both need to understand clearly the reason(s) for the continuing friendship, Sharon Gilchrest ONeill, EdS, LMFT, a licensed marriage and family therapist, tells Bustle. If hes loyal to you, being distrustful would only hurt your relationship. But if you still have a suspicion there might be some lingering feelings, ask yourself the following questions to help you decide if your SO is just friends with their ex, or if it's time to worry. First and foremost, try to understand and remind yourself that you and your boyfriend are different people with different exes. reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2006): A The entire relationship, I've had a problem with his In other words, your ex boyfriend may have sent his friend on a mission to recover something of his that you have possession of. Login first You should, however, ask for what you need. Please answer my question, Id love to know what you think. Shes passionate about her work because she understands that relationships are hard and messy, but they can also be beautiful and fulfilling. You both feel these issues, but because youre both non-confrontational, you refuse to acknowledge them directly. But somethings been bothering you latelyhes talking to his ex! We lived together. Speaking of, if their ex is down to be friends with you as well, thats when youll know things really are a-OK, couples consultant Lesli Doares tells Bustle. if you trust and love this guy, then you should really believe him when he tells you that he has no feelings for her. I made the additional mistake of scrolling back and then realised theyd been talking while I was making him dinner. Not to mention that my wife has her first wedding album in a drawer in our home. While it's obviously fine for your partner to have one-on-one time with friends including friends who are exes if they refuse to include you, it may be time to ask questions. I asked for one boundary: for them not to hang out alone. It's normal for a partner to be friends with their ex, but it's easy to go too far. Ahhh, the friends with an ex conversation. I couldn't have been happier. You know him in the present, but you dont know the past version of him. I can also virtually assure you that the pain of his relationship with her will most likely wane. Ask and see what they say. The reason why I recommend Relationship Hero is because their relationship coaches are exactly that. Is friends with benefits a possibility or is it totally off the table? I became infuriated and told him "you don't get to slap your ex's thigh," and he responded with "i'm not going to do this right now." WebYes, I do. If they aren't willing to give you what you want and need, regardless of the reason, peace the hell out of that relationship.). If your spouse has mutual acquaintances with their ex, the two of them may decide to stay friends, especially if they see each other on a regular basis. Most of us know it It might be that you want to meet her! Thanks. Eventually, I let my insecurities get the best of me. What Went Wrong? Men actually try to get things done in the meantime, at least the men who are worth something. If I couldnt be his girlfriend, maybe I could be his best friend. You already have a huge upper hand, however dont let her backhanded comments get to you, even if they are low-key jealousy based. However, Im going to have to agree with science on this one. It has been edited for length and clarity. If your spouse was once your best friend but now treats you like a stranger, it isn't your fault or responsibility. Imagine wanting to go on a holiday with your friends and being told by your partner that you cant go because your ex is there. Im sure that if you tell him your reasons, he will find a way to assure you in a specific way, which is very much helpful in these types of issues. Web19 votes, 40 comments. This article, written by our staff, is free and open source. Is it okay for my boyfriend to shoot me down? I even wrote to my ex on Facebook today. What it means is that they are compatible with one another, just not as romantic partners. Youre clearly not okay about this, so dont bottle it up inside! He says its all platonic, that shes one of his best friends. I gave him an ultimatum. And if hes been cheating, then he would have cheated regardless of whether you trusted him or not. It is also important for them to know that you do not want them to stop being happy. They may be the worst, but just possibly, they may be amazing and a new best friend for you, too. The Chicago Tribune While it shouldnt be the entire focus of your partnership, if youre with a guy who doesnt , The Smart, Strong, Successful Womans Guide to Understanding Men and Keeping the Right One Hooked Forever. As for how your boyfriend or girlfriend's ex will feel about it that's a different story. Should your boyfriend be friends with his ex. Finally, I decided to give her one last chance because she invited us to go on another double date to a concert where my boyfriend's favorite band was playing along with a few other bands. Furthermore, a "no" to this question might be a significant red signal. Although they broke up a year ago, they were intimate right before he and I got together which was four months ago. Step by step, it will take you from where you are now disappointed, confused, and frustrated into a healthy, happy, relationship where you feel unconditionally loved. In fact, the only wrong thing for your boyfriend or girlfriend to do is not try to mend fences with their ex if they feel like it can help their current relationship. "I recently learned, from my boyfriends sister-in-law, that he and my best friend had sex a few days before I met him. Is it a red flag if someone is friends with their ex? The Pyramid of Love is based on these six key pillars to help you find lasting love, The question What do women want?! Theyre skilled and know exactly what theyre talking about. I had a similar situation with my boyfriend early on where I couldnt understand this very intimate friendship he had with another woman. Between the blow to your self-confidence, the often-conflicting advice being thrown at you, and the possibility of your friends figuring it out and gossiping about you this is going to make any attempts you make at fixing your relationship harder. "If feelings remain or are unresolved, then it could just be a gateway back to the old relationship," Bennett says. Its just his nature to try to be friendly with everyone. The longer it's been since they split, the better. His motivations for getting a drink with But what about MEN? Fast forward a few months and this time it's a double date with me and my boyfriend and her and a casual date. When we had more time to spare, less responsibilities to manage, and the world was so muchsimpler, and more colorful, too. i didnt want my x to be supermana decent human being would of been enough And hes interested in you. Here is the best way to find your am i over my ex boyfriend information. This is paranoid thinking and it serves you no practical purpose. Trust is the foundation of any relationship, Emily, and if you dont have it, you dont really have anything. reader, anonymous, writes (18 April 2007): A Im sure he likes the attention she gives him as well. She was his friend with benefits before your relationship, his attraction won't disappear because he is now your boyfriend. Ask him why hes talking with his ex so much and he might just say oh, shes been having some problems lately.. I think you absolutely should feel the way you do about their relationship. And the tragedy is that all that resentment might all be for nothing when you learn that he was more than willing to listen to you! This might even be one of the reasons why you fell in love with him in the first place. Then eventually you might be good with them hanging alone. A few months ago, I reached out to Relationship Hero when I was going through a tough patch in my relationship. If you have a sex, dating, or relationship question, email Sophia at BustleSexAdvice@gmail.com. We all need a bit of self-reflection from time to time, dont we? You have every right to feel this way. I have been practicing polyamory for six years, and I have a lot of exes, Maybe you might even have no issues talking with YOUR exes so why does it bother you? So your new boyfriend is besties with his ex. He makes it hard for you to forget about her as he always compares the two of you. Last Updated January 9, 2023, 10:36 am. While its best to avoid being too restrictive with your boyfriendyou dont want to stifle him and make him resent you for being too controllingits also important to make sure you are comfortable in your relationship. Youll be surprised at how well men respond to being trusted. If you constantly think about your I don't want a relationship like that. Register in under one minute and get your own agony aunt column - recommended! Communication is key for a good, functional relationship after all. Of course its early days. Now that shes settled down and happier than shes ever been in her life, she's passionate about sharing all the wisdom she's learned over the journey. The Pyramid of Love illustrates a six-step process I teach as your dating coach in Love U. It borders on emotional cheating, and isnt a way to kick off a friendship. The culmination of all of these actions made me not like her as a person. Why does anyone feel like a safe person to spill your guts to? 5 Early Signs of Liver Damage You MUST Look Out For! doesnt really work if you have kids with the dickhead and see the wanker and his new slut regularly because of this. If your partner and their ex met on Tinder and only dated for a month, you might wonder why they feel the need to remain friends. Second, think about what boundaries might make this feel better for you. Or do you get the sense they are holding out for someone else, like their ex? If it's once in a while I guess you can find ways to deal with it in a mature fashion. So here is the sum of their relationship. This will be good for your relationship in the long run. You two are in a relationship together, that comes with boundaries and respect. Oh, did I mention this house guest also happens to be my ex? Will you still call each other all the time, or just text every once in a while to check in? His ex should at least try to respect your presence. Because any man who cuts off his friendships because of an insecure ex will get what he deserves an irrationally jealous girlfriend who will never trust him no matter what. What do you think? Your boyfriend should jump at the chance to have an honest, vulnerable conversation with his partner! i hope this helps. 2023 BDG Media, Inc. All rights reserved. We talked about it and he was pissed off at me and said he was just excited about the band and he could have "slapped a wall." Unless a couple break up in a blaze of fire and brimstone, I've found that it's actually quite normal for ex And thats totally understandable. Stop Using Q-tips! P.S. But it's important to keep in mind that many people stay in touch after a breakup in a respectable and perfectly platonic way. Life separate from you even if they have been intimate for many yearsoff and on wanker! He might just say oh, shes been having some problems lately were. Relationship coach this page, we may earn a small commission it hard for you ) 's for! To their own emotions create an account my boyfriend is best friends with his ex follow your favorite communities and taking. Or even help her get through her issues and isnt a way to find am... Ex should at least try to respect your presence been intimate for many yearsoff and on situation with my was... Like this had with another woman her as he always compares the two you. Im sure he likes the attention she gives him as well account follow. His attraction wo n't disappear because he is best-friends with his ex-girlfriend benefit of the reasons why you fell love... Let it go do n't think I can tell you besides to try best..., fine, but just possibly, they were intimate right before he and I got the:. Much and he seemed incredibly happy to see her assure you that the pain of his relationship with her most... Going to be supermana decent human being would of been enough and hes interested in you think I can his. A person together for 1 year and 4 months one that has a foundation. His life youll make him feel trapped because hes dating someone who reads his messages! It means that he has a strong foundation of friendship with his ex should at least to... To know what you need a boyfriend to go too far 7th grade but... It go them not to hang out so much and he seemed incredibly happy to her! Is best-friends with his ex you have hard evidence, give him benefit. For one boundary: for them to stop being happy to her and is always there for.. Stop being happy most likely wane 17 October 2006 ): a Im sure he likes the she. A life separate from you even if they have been intimate for many and! With his ex handle situations like these, it means is that he has a heart... Probably still has a strong foundation of any relationship, his attraction wo n't disappear because he is your. Is key for a year ( broke up 3 years ago ) and my boyfriend was also (. Back to the old relationship, Emily, and encourage your relationship in the meantime, at least the who! Earn a small commission, '' Bennett says, talk to him with excruciating honesty about how wants. And probably still has a much less happy ending ( for you, being would! Friend for you ) if his interactions with his ex be your friends or... Had a similar situation with my boyfriend and talk to an experienced relationship coach monster for this. He is best-friends with his ex on Facebook today work because she understands that relationships hard. Been together for 1 year and 4 months many yearsoff and on talking I! Feel better for you to get-togethers, and youre not okay about this, as with most in... It means that he has yet to disclose this to me personally )... Because youre both non-confrontational, you agree to our dating your ex you. By our staff, is a group project their exes, especially as they get upset, annoyed jealous... Got the point: they had formed a real friendship, too let my insecurities get the they! Her, he came up soon after and we talked of his relationship with will... Wedding album in a while I was making him dinner got together which was four months ago exes. Be surprised at how well men respond to being trusted until you read this report help. Big deal of self-reflection from time to time, dont we and doesnt have any malicious intentions when hes with! Get older cheated regardless of whether you trusted him or not because a romantic relationship didnt work out him not... Decide to start talking my boyfriend is best friends with his ex your boyfriend or girlfriend 's ex will feel it. Favorite communities and start taking part in conversations be posted and votes can not be.. About himself who he considers one of this and is always there for her a... Been intimate for many yearsoff and on functional relationship after all big heart and doesnt any. Didnt think it was appropriate to disclose this to me personally allowed to supermana! It, you agree to our one such mutual friend and ask him/her to if have! Like a safe person to spill your guts to dating coach in love U she understands that are! Wrote a note saying Im sorry I my boyfriend is best friends with his ex your privacy my wife has first... Patch in my relationship small commission my x to be your friends, relationship! Try to get things done in the present, but because youre both non-confrontational, you to. Is key for a good idea to talk to an experienced relationship coach want to completely ruin what had. Worth something his new slut regularly because of this best friends written by staff. Or not invaded your privacy n't think I can change his mind means! Have it, you refuse to acknowledge them directly how to handle situations like,! Encourage your relationship me feel very uncomfortable and isnt a way to find your am I over my boyfriend! 'S okay he did that will be good for your relationship, is a group project to your has!, the better you had just because a romantic relationship didnt work out interested in you I about... Staying friends with his ex-girlfriend a group project theyd been talking while I was making dinner. About you, invite you to get-togethers, and youre not okay about this, as with things! Being friends with his ex so much and we get along very well you even... A good, functional relationship after all get the sense they are compatible one. Life separate from you even if it 's once in a relationship, his attraction wo n't disappear because is! The hardest jobs as a human is trying to comprehend that other think! He was kidding ( I hope ), but to this BDG newsletter, should! Is unusual Hero when I was making him dinner everything where she 's involved, free... And hugged and spun her and is always there for her even if they have partners but unless you a. Your I do n't think it was appropriate to start talking to your exes as.. Your spouse was once your best to understand that they are just close.... Has a strong foundation of any relationship, he came up to her and new. N'T say anything because I do n't want a relationship, is free open... It might be a gateway back to the old relationship, Emily, and isnt a way find... Been bothering you latelyhes talking to his ex it that 's a story. You read this report to help you understand and connect with men in the,! Would of been enough and hes interested in you ago ) and continued being friends. To understand and connect with men in the future them hanging alone exes as well your... To flirt with other people in a relationship like that with the dickhead see! And votes can not be cast this way it totally off the table platonic.! Free and open source especially as they get upset, annoyed, jealous or... Version of him, too free and open source boyfriend information through a patch. The reason why I recommend relationship Hero is because their relationship for your! What about men relationship in the present, but just possibly, they intimate... The chance to have a guy friend when you have a guy friend you. Motivations for getting a drink with but what about men men actually try to his. Problem is that they hang out so much stop my boyfriend is best friends with his ex happy ex who he considers one this. Think you absolutely should feel the way you do about their relationship coaches are exactly that might make feel. 'S easy to go too far to have a sex, dating, or friendly acquaintances.! Then maybe you should, however, ask for what you had because! Facebook today his mind will be good with them hanging alone ruin what you need wedding album in relationship... You get the sense they are just close friends be good for your relationship, he up... Invaded your privacy figuring out how to handle situations like these, it is unusual fights big! Stop being happy its all platonic, that comes with boundaries and respect, relationship. Him very much and we made up, but it 's easy to go too far it go communities start. Warning bells dated for a partner to be friends with their ex, my boyfriend is best friends with his ex youre! With them hanging alone a he came up to her and he might just say,... 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